Today I woke up

Yeah, so for the sake of being thorough...

  Anytime after 10, party here tonight. Byob, beer pong table in the basement, also probably a little bit of a fire in the back yard providing it doesn't get ass cold tonight.


   So, yeah, Hey, Come party.


  XOXOX~ Jenn

Current Music: Not Mack 10

     So last night, although a slow starter, was an awesome party! I at least had a sweet time, and the house was in pretty good shape this morning so all the better. I'm working on a new Beer Pong table, 'cause that one's kinda shitty, warped, and short so hopefully I can work something out with that before the next event.
     Last night reminded me of a really good Willy party... which in turn reminds me that in less than a year I will be having those kinds of parties with the actual Willys! So yeah anyway, my head's killing me, and I really hope I wasn't the only one drinking the wine 'cause if so I drank damn near half a gallon. Either way... Hah.
    Oh, and the best part of the evening was during my heart to heart with Keeton where he pointed out the fact that I'm getting to once again be more like my high school self, which I would have to say was probably my most genuine and honest. It was touching to know someone else sees that I'm happy again :) Truly I feel more like myself than I have in years... I kinda forgot what it's like to actually enjoy my life for a little while there... wow, thank god that's over.

Current Music: Basement Jaxx

So yeah. November 1. I'm moving to Savannah. That is all. But before I go, I intend on having the most spectacular summer ever. So hit me up. Everyone. I'm making my lasting memories of this place during the summer of '09. Join me :)

Baby steps. One day at a time. I'll get there. Then I'm getting the fuck out of this mitten.

What exactly does it mean to say that we are growing up? Why does that phrase have to represent anything other than a physical state:? I don't think it should. What the fuck is growing up? You're supposed to act your age... what's the requisite standard for how one that is 26 should act? We are preached at to be individuals from an early age, yet corralled to conform to a set of standards and behaviors that are not always right for everyone. Why just because someone who is the same age as myself happens to have become an Engineer or a College Professor, or whatever, why should my life have any less value because I run a gas station? I'm happy, my life has half as much stress in it as it had a year ago. I support myself in a way that is both comfortable, and sustainable. Above all, let me stress again, I am happy. I may have difficult times in which I struggle to maintain a positive image of myself and what I have to offer, but as I grow within myself those qualities which seem to be holding me back also tend to fade away. This is not the first time I've had to make a complete reevaluation of my life, nor is it the most difficult. The thing that is the hardest is losing a valuable influence, and asset in my life. Although I truly hope that in the long run it becomes apparent that this was in fact the best and only possible hope of mending. The only thing I can do for myself is to remember in those moments when struggle is imminent, I am not stupid for it. I am reacting in a natural, human, way; and that each day that passes my strength grows.

"The time has come!" The Walrus Said, "To talk of other things."



    Guess I'll come back and rest a spell. Who's still out there?

   I somehow feel like I'm slowly waking up from a very long nap; like I'm still  groggy and disoriented and still don't really have any idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. I guess I gave up. I haven't talked to so many people in so long, and it's not because of any real reason other than I've been dealing with so much shit that I just don't feel like I have the strength. When Rachel and Nick left I felt like I lost my best friend, even though Rachel and I haven't been as close as we are with other people. The thing is though, I can tell Rachel anything, I've never ever in my life felt like Rachel judges me, and it always seems she goes out of her way to make me feel good about myself. She's incredible. I miss her like you have no idea.
   The problem is that I've had so much shit that I've dealt with in the past three months that I can't even answer the phone when she calls me because I'm so overwhelmed by everything that I don't know where to start. The same goes with James and a few others.
   Lately I've been trying to get more involved with the life that I use to have. Only that's scarier almost that closing off completely because those people, and those things are all associated with memories that I'd rather not relive. It's like a constant reminder of the things you feel are the biggest mistakes in your life,  but only because you yourself are reminding.
   So I  push forward in this new life, which for a while was fantastic and happy, and things were great. Then something changed. I don't even know what it was, I think he just finally got tired of being in a grown up relationship, but now everything is different than it was, and I don't like it. I don't feel safe, I don't feel comfortable, I have a constant stupid paranoid fear that I'm being cheated on. But what's funny about that is that other people recognize that those feelings are probably just Jenn being crazy. I didn't think that I used to be this crazy and neurotic, and I kind of worry about what made this happen. For a while I thought it was the mind expansion allowing me to see the negative things about myself that I needed to change, now I think that it's that in combination with the fact that I'm just growing up and giving in. When I was a kid I used to fight until I won or it was impossible for me to fight anymore for whatever it was that I wanted. Now I settle for unhappiness to avoid causing a larger problem.
   It's unfortunate really. I never thought I would become one of those people who gave up just because it got harder. I wanted to think I was a fighter. In the end it all boils down to laziness and I'm queen of that one. It just hurts to think of how social I used to be compared to how much I shy away from personal relationships now. Fuck those walls.
   Fuck me for feeling so damn sorry for myself.

Did did did did you see the frightened ones? Did did did did you hear the falling bombs? Did did did did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter while the promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath the clear blue sky?


Over the past year I've experimented with hallucinogenic drugs more so than before. And it's kinda funny to me that I really discovered Pink Floyd at the same time. I also learned how to really listen to music. Not the lyrics (which are what I always heard before) but LISTEN to the MUSIC. 




Also Electric Six is amazing.

Current Music: Electric Six~ Jimmy Carter

So, I recently went through and reread my entire lj, and actually at one point I found an entry that said something to the effect of no matter how over something you think you are the worst thing you can do is go back and read all of your old entries, so that was pretty amusing. I did however find that picture which made me happy. That's the only time in my life I've ever actually finished a game of Risk. It was epic. Anyway, I reread all those entries because I need to research. It's finally come to a point in my life where thinking about all the things that are tangled in the entries of this journal doesn't make me feel anything other than a memory.  Well most of it anyway. There's still the parts that make me smile in that sad wish it were still here kind of way. Wouldn't trade any of it for the world. But in any case it feels like my soul is about to throw up all of the things that I remember about the last seven years of my life. I'm excited for that. It feels like everything is finally picking up momentum.

Matt and I are currently doing good. We're "working it out" which means we broke up for a day and then got back together but I think we're both still feeling slighly apprehensive. It helps that this week he's helping Keeton out and painting apartments so pretty much working 14 hour days so I actually get to take some time to myself and organize my thoughts.

I also went to the "float tank" (a sensory depravation relaxation chamber) with Tommy and Dale on Wednesday. It was incredible. I wish it wasn't so far away (Grand Rapids) and I wish it wasn't so expenisve because I'd probably go at least weekly. Lucas has a myspace "Just Relax Flotation" I believe. But that also helped me get a prespective on the things going on in my brain lately.

I go take the Postal Entry Exam next thursday and hopefully within a few months of that I'll get offered a job delivering mail. I guess to some people it sounds like a shitty job, but really, I get to be outside all day, with my ipod(which I'll buy when I get the job), walking around making really good money with really good bennefits.  Most likely the position I'll be offered will not be in Lansing. Which is also exciting, Matt and I have talked about that too, and if I need to move I'll probably go on ahead by myself at first just in case there's a possibility of me transfering back around here within the first year (which happens quite a bit I guess). Either way this whole next few months promise to be interesing. I'm really anxious, but confident as well. Oh yeah and so the post office thing means that currently for an indetermined amount of time, I no longer smoke pot.

Current Music: Meatloaf

This update is solely for your benefit.  This thing  might as well be scratch paper to me Shoey.

  I guess I have severed most ties with most of the people I used to talk to for one reason or another and I haven't decided which yet. It's either due to the fact that I've lost some of my wide eyed wonderment as to the greatness of people, and I'm truly getting tired of having to day in day out constantly entertain. It feels like I rarely have a moment to myself. OR, it could be due to the fact that since right around the last entry in this journal absolutely nothing about my life has changed, and I'm tired of giving the stock "nothings new" response. I think people think that I'm just being rude and anti social when I said that nothing's up, nothing's new, nothing to report, I"m really not. I just can't think of one thing remarkable enough that has changed in my life that is worth mentioning. I really hope that it's a phase or a funk and not "what happens when you get old."

I really think that something big is coming though, I'm beginning to feel creative once again, maybe it's because things around here aren't as honeymoonish as a year and a half ago. They say you create best from tragedy. There's no tragedy here, but it's certainly changed as far as how we react to each other. It feels like it's all because of too much time spent together though.  I wonder if this is why Bonnie takes her vacation away from her husband with two flaming queens in mexico every year. Now  if only I could convince Dale and Tommy they love each other I'd be all set. Being a grown up sucks. I want to go back to preschool. I'd settle for the HxH summer though, that was probably the most fun period of my life being able to legally drink alcohol thus far.

Do you ever think you were sweeter at different points in your life? Like recently I feel like a lame old douche bag, I know for a fact that when I lived in the HxH I was fucking sweet. That ever happen to anyone else?

Current Music: Rancid ~ Red Hot Moon

          Your eyes flutter open with the kind of urgency that comes when you wake up from a dream you don’t want to remember. They dart around the room; everything is different but still very familiar. Pause; count to ten. Assess the situation. It’s definitely still your room, in your house, in your bed, these things are all definitely still your things, but everything is different.

Starting with location you begin to amass a tally in your head of all the things that have changed about your life in the past year. After the final count, you realized that it’s pretty much everything. There’s not a God Damn thing about your life that is the same as it was exactly one year ago; with the exception of the nagging feeling in the back of your head that you’ve done something wrong. You’ve always done something wrong. The pieces that you’ve tried to assemble don’t fit together as nicely anymore, it’s like they’ve all been soaked in water and swelled to unnatural proportions and there’s absolutely no way, with no amount of trying, that you’re going to be able to make them snap back into place.

For half a second you compare your life to the movie Memento, and wish that maybe you didn’t remember anything for any length of time. Would that make it easier? What are you doing wrong that for you life is so difficult? Everything changes constantly, yes, that’s always been but are you just now becoming aware, and I mean really aware, of that fact? You feel like the McDonalds commercial where the girl doesn’t know she has a twin until she tries their coffee. You finally chuckle at that and decided that as soon as the snooze button goes off in ten, no nine more minutes, you’ll do a precursory check of the house for an unknown identical sibling.

Sigh, normalcy, the sarcastic defense mechanism has once again kicked in making any possible worries melt away into a blend of, it’s no big deal, and I’ll handle it tomorrow. Resulting in the realization that there’s just one more thing about you that hasn’t changed at all.   

Fuck.


I just shit my pants.

Current Music: Nelly Furtado

Hey Livejournal... you've kinda blown up a lil bit lately. How's it going? I started writing again, you should check out my Myspace, if you're not too jealous.

Current Music: The Promise

In true Jenn fashion... this is the offical last minute invite to the party. If I haven't already talked to you, I appologize, this season is fucking busy. Anyway, Tomorrow, is a very large party, at my new house (if you're coming, you should already know where it is, if you don't call me, I'll hook you up w/ directions). It is a themed party, the theme is bring  mixers and chasers as I will be providing a fuckton of alcohol.  (By the way, I really like the Chaos flavored Monsters, so bring me some) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME COME HELP ME CELEBRATE!!!!

For the first time in a long time I feel like there is something to look forward to. Even though I'm not really sure if there is. But it's okay, the journey to get there is almost more fun. I guess I like boys who are... interesting choices. I'm settling in for a long term conquest. How funny. How about I finally win.

Ruby
Ruby
Ruby
Ruby Soho....
Is back in action. Bitches.

P.S. Possibly the only Bright Eyes song I actually like.

Tomorrow when I wake up I’m finding my brother and making him take me back down to the water. That lake where we sailed and laughed with our father. I will not desert him. I will not desert him. No matter how I may wish for a coffin so clean or these trees to undress all their leaves onto me. I put my face in the dirt and then finally I see the sky that has been avoiding me. 

I started this letter I’m going to send it to Ruba. It will be blessed by her eyes on the gulf coast of Florida. With her feet in the sand and one hand on her swimsuit, she will recite the prayer of my pen. Saying, time take us forward. Relief from this longing, they can land that plane on my heart I don’t care just give me November, the warmth of a whisper in the freezing darkness of my room. But no matter what I would do in an attempt to replace. All these  pills that I take trying to balance my brain. I have seen the curious girl with that look on her face. So surprised she stares out from her display case.

I couldn't sleep so I took a pill
with a dirty glass of water from a low pressure hell
Someone buy a round before my liver fails
and you know it will

How many of you will be
left to make a scene
at my funeral party
Set my soul at ease by spinning wire
as I lay on my side
cause it's the earth which I have known since birth

So clap your hands if you wanna be
the little princess who finally gets the pony
or the one that steals the life from me
With that long sleeve thrift you found in Grand Forks
to cover up your track marks
Cuz when you finally come down
the pony you've been riding around town
turns out to be a man
And then overheated crimping iron burns your hands again

How many of you be will be
left to drink whiskey
at my funeral party
Remember to bring your flask
and pour a shot for
your dead homie

Shake your ass around my casket
Shake your ass around my casket
Shake your ass around my casket
and bring your beach blankets
Volley balls, wine coolers
Spin your favorite records.

Current Music: Sean Na Na

Life is...


Amazing today.


Call me, we'll do lunch or something.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it's 'cause I just took a fat poopy. Or maybe it's 'cause I'm done being a stupid fucking little retard girl. I'm glad condiments have made me see the light.

So, lately I've been doing a whole lot of soul searching, it seems every time I go over to The Day Spa I end up crying thinking about shit I want to change about my life but have no idea how to go about doing it. I was content to recognize these symptoms and quietly try to figure out a way to fix them, until I got a very rude awakening.

Apparently I'm not the only one who's noticed. I guess little old me affects people a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. I guess I need to take a more proactive stance on my life as opposed to this reactive one I've been taking forever.

When Steffie was here she told me that all my Livejournal entries are depressing. I don't mean for that to be, this is not a sad thing. This is a happy thing, maybe now I can finally turn things around because I feel the pressure to change something or lose the people who've mattered the most to me.

I did about 24 hours of feeling sorry for myself, before I realized this is fucking retarded. Life is good. I don't need to be sad all the time. But I'll never figure out how to manage that one on my own. So... something monumental has to happen.

Any suggestions?




Good Book: Killing yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman
"Here's how to tell if you (or someone you know) has a drug problem: Pay attention to what CD they use for drug maintenance. When seperating the seeds out of marijuana or chopping up freshly purchased cocaine, you generally use the jewel case of a compact disc as the base of operations. Jewel cases were designed for this process. And when you're young and entusiastic and entirely recreational about your drug use, you always pick a CD that is somehow symbolic of the experience: With marijuana, you will select Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here or My Bloody Valentine's Loveless or Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak. If you're chopping up coke with your Capital One VISA card, you'll use the jewel case from Sabbath's Vol. 4 or Neil Young's Tonight's the Night or Be Here Now by Oasis. But if you ever reach a point where you no longer care about the aesthetic of the album you select, and you don't even consider what album you're pulling off the rack, and you find yourself pouring $70 of cocaine onto Men at Work's Business as Usual, you have a drug problem. Get help."